Making Requests Specific and Doable - for kids AND adults

I get these "tips" (recommended by my sister a while back) every week that remind me to approach parenting without "violence" - that is, without harming my relationship with my child. 

Below is the tip I got this week and it is something I've been thinking about for a while - how to give my kids specific instructions, rather than the vague catch-phrases we are used to.  Things like "be nice to your sister" and "be more respectful" are less helpful to a two, three, four year old brain than, for example, "when you are playing with your baby sister, look at her face to see if she is enjoying what you're doing" or "when someone asks you a question, you need answer them, rather than ignoring them".  At least that's my understanding of this idea.

But for some reason when I read the email, it hit me in a broader way this time.  Perhaps it's the fact that I'm in the middle of some intense family time that has brought this into focus, but I just realized that I would really appreciate these types of instructions myself.  The example given, where "I want more help around the house" is reworked as "would you spend 20 minutes with me cleaning up the kitchen right now?" makes so much sense to me.  I know I do the same thing myself, and often resent the implication that it is MY responsibility to think through the request, rather than giving the other person that job (why doesn't he/she just KNOW what I want?).  But I think that even in adult relationships this is a healthier way of interacting. 

One last example - I actually experienced this today when my mom was doing a craft at the dining room table with the four grandkids.  I was sitting with the laptop on the couch and she said to me "Rose, I will need you to come and glue things on for the kids right now".  For some reason I felt much more willing/able to respond to this request than the "I will probably need some help with this" that had been uttered to the room in general a few minutes earlier...



A lot to think about...

"Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want." - Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Compassionate Parenting Tip -- Week 30 When you express your needs and make requests for something that is doable now, it increases the likelihood that your child will want to help you meet your need. Can you expand with a suggested action here? If you are not getting the help you want, see if you are asking for something specific and doable. Instead of saying only your need, "I want more help around the house," ask for something concrete and specific: "Would you spend twenty minutes with me right now cleaning up the kitchen and see how clean we can get it by working together?"

Our Feminine God

Came across a really interesting article here - just a really brief reminder that the bible is SO wide open to interpretation.  "God is decidedly not an old man on a throne in the sky".  Woo hoo!

House Spouse - Mom or Dad?

As we continue to struggle through the land of gender roles and parenting, it's not hard to find an endless supply of opinions.  But there aren't too many that make me think the way this article did.  Last night on Modern Family, the mom is considering running for public office but worries to her husband about "who will take the kids to practice and recitals and keep them from burning down the house?!"  His response is golden: "Oh! It must be so hard to live as a single mom... I will take care of it!"  Not to make light of being a single mom, or a woman in a marriage with a husband who doesn't contribute to raising their children or maintaining the household, but his comment is exactly like something my husband would say.  Let's just remember that I have it pretty good - actually REALLY good.  We can't forget that each family is different - hen it comes to day to day life, it's less important what is the case statistically, and more important what is the case in my family.  But it's still very interesting, inspiring and indeed sometimes a huge relief to realize that you're not alone, and there is someone out there who is thinking about, and making sense of, the exact situation you find yourself in.

Magic in the Mundane

The past three and a half years have involved a serious learning curve - motherhood.  I am beginning to realize that I have resisted the major changes that have been going on in and around me and it is a slow process of coming to accept what my life looks like now.  I always planned to be a mother, always said that my worst fear was not being able to have children.  I have always loved kids and never thought twice about my plans to have "at least five".  Oh the bliss of ignorance!  It's not that I was particularly wrong - I do love children, I love my children and I do hope to have more of them.  It's just that I thought I would be able to just continue living my life.  Or that somehow my life would flow seamlessly into their life.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that after a significant breakdown this week, this is what came to me:

Girls,
You are the gift, and calling
given to me
the day I became a mother.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.

I cried and cried, why can't I accept that being a mother is a legitimate and worthwhile way to spend a life?  And so that became my goal for the next year.  To put my whole self into mothering.  To use my brilliant mind (now that's confidence), my creativity, my problem solving skills, my love for reading and research...all of my gifts, into being a mother.  Is it possible?  Don't know.  Am I going to fail?  Probably.  Does that mean I shouldn't do it?  Definitely not.  Who has tried to change the world without knowing that their attempts are almost certainly doomed to failure?  I would say very few.

Well, how's that for a blog post?  A little out of the ordinary I guess.  What I really wanted to share was a most incredible video that expresses all of this in a beautiful and inspiring and, for me, heart-wrenching two-and-a-half minutes.  It makes beautiful the mundane work of mothering.

Thank you, friend, for sharing that with me.  Someone remind me to watch this video on a regular basis this year to remind me of the magic of this time of my life.  I don't see it now, but I know it's there.

"Words to the Wise"

I was definitely in the perfect mood to read this article so I did laugh a LOT.  If you have had children in the recent past, you will probably laugh too.  How can kids be simultaneously so adorable and so infuriating? 

Dinovember

As a parent there are always an infinite number of ideas that you wish you could implement for your kids that you know just aren't ever going to happen...Dinovember is probably one of them - but it rocks.  It reminds me of Elf on the Shelf, which is a fun idea too (though I'm not totally comfortable with the conditional approval it entails).  I just love the creativity of Dinovember and the imagination, wonder and curiosity it promotes.  Another one to store away for some day.

"Good Job"

As a parent I try to consider very seriously the words I use when I'm talking to my kids.  Gender issues and boundary issues are probably at the forefront of my mind most of the time - encouraging them to be themselves, make their own choices.  Towards that end, I try to avoid saying "good girl" when I want to affirm their behaviour.  I thought "good job" was a better choice since it was less about their identity as an acceptable person and more about the action or behaviour.  This article takes that idea to a whole new level and I love it.  I think it is a very important reminder to consider what it is, exactly, that you are trying to encourage in your child and then find a way to articulate that in a way they can understand. 

disposable culture

It gets really frustrating that when something breaks, it is almost impossible to fix it anymore.  Instead you are just supposed to throw it out and get a new one.  Cost, convenience, and culture tell us that it is not important to do or make things that last.  Here is someone, something, that is trying to work against that - a phone that doesn't become out-of-date five minutes after you buy it.  How cool?

Doing Nothing

My dear friend sent me this quote from this amazing blog post and I thought it needed to be shared with every new mom.  So I'm storing it here in the hopes that when someone I know has a new baby, I'll remember it and send it to them.  If you're a new mom, read the post.  Here's the quote:

So the next time you find yourself wondering how another day is gone and nothing is done, stop. Hold your baby—feel the way that tiny body strains to contain this giant soul—complete, and full of potential all at the same time. Take a deep, slow breath. Close your eyes and measure your day not as tasks, but as feelings, as sounds, as colors. Exhaustion is part of it. And it’s true, you will get “nothing” done. But the hard parts will fade. The intense, burning love is what remains, and it is yours to keep forever.

Home and Art

Over at good old Apartment Therapy, I came across this "House Call" and love it.  I really like the look of lots of little things nicely organized and each in their place.  "So much to look at" as someone once said about our place.  For some reason that just feels good to me.  Turns out the people who live in that house are artists and have done so many very interesting projects.  They state their purpose as  creating objects and projects that are discreet invitations to explore, collaborate and play.  They are called "Dear Human".  This type of thing is right up my ally.  In my other life where I'm an artist.  ;)

Eclectic Inspiration in a Minimalist Collector?

At first glance I found this apartment tour really inspiring.  I got further into and lost interest a bit as some areas are quite bare-bones.  But looking over it again I realized that the way he puts together a minimalist approach with a repurposed, eclectic, collectors eye results in a very interesting and inspiring esthetic.  In the bathroom for example, bare conduit and light bulbs are curved and positioned in a creative way that makes it look like a light fixture, rather than purely functional materials.  That, combined with the non-existent faucet, stands as an intriguing contrast to the fabulously colourful and lively tiles and concrete blocks that make up the shower surround.  Of course this is a bachelor pad where the ever challenging practicality of children doesn't come into consideration and where each object is carefully curated and controlled.  I have to remind myself of that.  But inspiration is good, even if it just adds a little piece to the puzzle in my mind of what it is that I love.

Not JUST a girl

If you want to be inspired and filled with determination to do right by the girls in your life, check this out.  I don't deny that I'm slightly anti-princess and I dress my girls in boyish clothing from time to time.  I'm trying desperately to find the balance between embracing femininity and all that it entails, and smashing our cultural idea of femininity to bits so that my daughters can find their own way and be who they really are deep down inside.  I really have no idea what I'm doing, but this type of project is encouraging and makes me feel like I might be on the right track.  Wow.

More Beautiful

Dove is a bit of an enigma in my mind - I can't quite decide if I admire them or not.  Nonetheless, I think this video is quite thought provoking and a really interested glimpse into the minds of women.  Whether they provide definitive proof or not, they do bring home the truth - you are more beautiful than you think.

The Sweet Outdoors

This post  points you in the direction of four very short videos of forts being built.  I love the sweetness that is portrayed - picking up a worm, cooking an egg.  I love this portrayal of men doing something typically "manly" (building something) but in a very child-like, understated way.  And the forts are pretty cool too.

Loft Bunk

Just another shared room inspiration.  Love the creative bed rail and the simplicity of this design.

Junk to Funk

Although I really think that doing your entire house this way is a bit over-the-top, there are a lot of cool ideas in this house tour on Apartment Therapy.   The photos are numbered and the ones that stood out to me are the barn door window coverings (3), the Coke crate desk organizer (25), the Christmas light lantern (36), the mattress memo board (45) and the hanger curtain (54). Very creative, resourceful and stylish.

Four Girls, One Room

Okay folks.  Let's talk about plans.  Plan One: have lots of kids.  Plan Two: live in a small house.  It is probably safe to say that these two plans do not go well together.  I am, however, hopeful that we can accomplish both by having our kids share bedrooms.  While this is not an ideal when it comes to babies, in my mind, it is an ideal when it comes to kids.  As adults, we have chosen to share our house, forcing us to put others before ourselves.  We value this.  So why would I do anything different for my kids?  But the logistics of fitting multiple kids into one (not gigantic) room can be tricky.  This post is an amazing example of making it work in style.  WOW.

Lyric Garland

Although it would probably be a LOT of work (unless you have access to some sort of giant alphabet punch), I love this idea of writing out the words to a song on a garland.  It just puts a song in everyone's heads and brings a whole new meaning to "there's music in the air"...

Star Party

I LOVE throwing parties, and I LOVE the stars, so this kids' birthday party is right up my ally!  This mom goes all out, but even just a star theme would be great in my books!

The New Gypsies

A different way of life that still exists.  Inspiring?  Unbelievable...

Read about the photographer here.

*caution, not suitable for young eyes*